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Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mom,

Now that I'm a Mother, I get to share this day with you. However, I still get to honor you as well. You have paved quite a road for me! I've loved learning from you every step of the way and can't find the words to express the depth of my gratitude.

First, My baby shower you threw with LB was awesome. I felt so special on that day and even though it was smack dab in the middle of the Holiday season, you made sure that it was nice and Johnny focused!

Then came my days leading up to his birthday. Every time I couldn't hold in the emotions, you were on the other end of that phone call coaching me through all the emotions you remembered going through. This too shall pass! You made sure that I knew you were going to be there for me on the all important day and with a bag of goodies even!

And then That Day came. I can't thank you enough for coming the night before and providing the cards for our go fish game. You always had a smile on your face and more than anything that put me at ease for what was coming the next day. I remember you sneaking in after your shift for your second job, your silhouette in the doorway was exactly what I needed to put on my big girl panties and deal since they had just given me the pitocin. And Lawd, did I try! You were there to braid my hair after I got the shower, help me back into bed, you sang through the tough contractions and held my hand, breathed with me, made sure that J didn't pass out even though he was threatening to. You were supermom even though you were about to be a grandma. You knew that I still needed my mommy, being 26 and about to become a mother myself, and you didn't withhold to try and make me fly on my own. You didn't even mind that all the activities you planned in your bag of goodies didn't happen, not a one!

The weeks that came after were tremendous; depending on my hormones and mood, they were tremendously good or bad. You never let me feel like anything I was going through was strange or crazy. You let me say all the things I felt bad about and reassured me that EVERY mother goes through that! Even though you had LB and me naturally (through the original birth canal!) you supported my mixed emotions about the c-section as well as allowed me to take things as slow as I needed to in order to let my body heal. You came over with Dad almost everyday and even offered to spend the night when I would cry as you left! You supported every decision I made as a new mother, but would offer advice when I had not a clue.

You gave Johnny his first real bath, and man was that a memory! I loved watching his face contort as he was trying to decide if he liked this new method of bathing or not. I am convinced that because of you, and your 'Bathtime With Nonna' my son still loves his baths today!

I love that you and Dad have a standing Friday night date with me and Johnny, and even though I wish you didn't have to wash my dishes, I appreciate when you do them. "Anything to help" you say.

My whole life has been an emotional journey. You were there at every step, every tear, every celebration, and every heartbreak. These past 3 months have been magnified by a billion.You are still there. And I will always need my mommy!

I look forward to being to Johnny what you were to me, But I'm going to need a lot of help!

Can't wait till Friday :)

Until Then,
Big Momma

So now that I have a one month old...

I figure that I might as well return to the blog! And Man do I have much to tell. Johnny Cash Sibley was born on January 23, 2012, although the word 'born' seems a bit funny. Here's the story of his birth...

Hubby and I checked in Sunday evening to begin the induction process. My Dr. had ordered Cervidil, for the purpose of preparing my body since I still wasn't "favorable" for induction. I hadn't effaced at all. The nurse was really nice, and I was extremely emotional. My family was all around, making sure I didn't freak out too much. Now cervidil doesn't cause contractions, it simply prepares the body. No pain, just nerves. We spent the evening hours playing go fish (or some semblance of it...no one could remember the exact rules so we made our own!) and then they left. It was just Hubby and me. That's when it hit me. I'm gonna be a mother!

I slept pretty soundly considering what was imminent. The nurse who had administered the cervidil came in and told me that there had been a c-section and two natural births while I slept. However I was more concerned with what was in her hand. Pitocin. The devil in medicinal form. We started the Pit drip about 5:30am-6am and WHAM, those contractions were one on top of another. My mother came right as they started the medicine, and thank GOD. They kept asking if I wanted the epidural, but they were only calling me at 1 cm dilated. I wanted to get as far as possible before getting the pain meds, just because I've heard a lot of horror stories about getting the epidural, or complications after, etc. They kept shaking their heads at me. Finally I had a really strong, intense contraction, and looked over at my mother. Her face began to crumble because she was watching me in pain. I finally said, ok, get me the epidural, because I knew if she lost it, so would I. We tried all the meditation and focal points we had practiced. We even sang Folsom Prison Blues (or tried to...Hubby laughed at us getting the words wrong.) in honor of my son's name. Let me be the first to say, Yes your child deserves to be brought into this world in a magical way. There is nothing more magical than an epidural. This was about 11am or so. I had made it to 4 cm, according to the nurse.

I got some sleep and they came in to check me every once in a while. I stalled out. I stopped progressing. Not only that, Johnny would move as soon as they found his heart beat on the fetal monitor. I asked the nurse if my weight had anything to do with the difficulty of finding him. She said that women who are skinnier pre-pregnancy do have an easier time with the baby monitors, as far as keeping an eye on their babies. When they came to check me about 3pm, they saw some greenish fluid, and told me that it was very likely that I would be having a cesarean because there was evidence of meconium and fetal distress. I was not prepped for surgery until 5:30-6pm. By then, because of the epidural, my legs which I couldn't move were swollen with inactivity and water. I was tired and groggy by this point.

Hubby got in his bunny suit and looked super hot! They wheeled me in to prep, and he had to wait until everything was set up. I missed him more in those few minutes than I ever thought was possible for a human to miss another human. They gave me morphine, which added to my sleepiness and during the surgery, I kept drifting off. Hubby kept checking on me by saying "Hey!" like he was talking to the baby. I thought he was seeing our son for the first time, but when I asked what was up, he just told me to keep my eyes open so he knew I was ok. I was fine. I wasn't feeling anything, I didn't even feel them pull him out. I had to ask if he had been born, and my anesthesiologist told me yes. I didn't hear him, so I immediately got concerned.

Johnny had his first bowel movement in the womb, probably due to the stress of the pitocin drip and everything that had happened that day. He had meconium behind his vocal chords so they had to pump his stomach before he cried so that he wouldn't inhale it, which would have caused an infection in his lungs. When he finally did cry, all I remember thinking was that he sounded like a girl! His poor little throat was so hoarse from them suctioning it out, he more squeaked and squawked than screamed. Because he was in distress when he was first born (he was at a 4 on the apgar scale...) they wanted to get him to NICU as soon as possible. They didn't bring him to my cheek, I didn't even see his face. If my anesthesiologist hadn't told me to turn my head I wouldn't have even seen the back of his head as they wheeled him out. And I was so messed up on the morphine, when I did see the back of his head, covered in pitch black hair (!!!) all I could think was "Crap, he's Mexican!" This wasn't racist! It was an inside joke. My food of choice the entire time I had morning sickness was bean and cheese burritos from Taco Bell. I had so many of those that my husband kept saying "Ok, I'll get you another one, but if the baby comes out Mexican, we're gonna have a little chat!" So when I saw the dark hair and since both my husband and I have light colored hair, my first thought was "Crap, he's Mexican!" We later decided that his hair is paying homage to both grandpas.

I didn't get to see my son on his birthday. It was after midnight when they wheeled me from recovery to the NICU to see him. Holding him for the first time was the most awesome feeling I've ever known. His little face was squashed from trying to get out, and his hair was sticking straight up, but he was so perfect.

It's been a long process and we're still not finished recovering completely, but I'm happy changing diapers and pumping breastmilk for his bottles. I had a really hard time the first two weeks, but I think that'll have to be a new post. Hopefully someone might take comfort in my hormonal postpartum emotional state, because momma, you're not alone. I just have to find time between being at his handsomeness' beck and call.

Until Then,

Big Momma

Lists

Ok, so my Dr. decided that he cried wolf too early. My little guy is still a mystery for a few more days. Mixed feelings about this, since I didn't want to be induced anyway, but also I was excited I was gonna have a baby to cuddle!

While I have the time, and even though I should be nesting in our new place (yeah, moving and having a baby the same month? Not recommended, but I guess that's how I roll. Thanks to both families, could NOT have even dreamed of doing this without you!) I'll use the time to make lists.

Things I Miss

-ankles

-tying my own shoes

-a waist

-dancing

-sleeping on my stomach

-a lap

-thinking clearly and logically

-talking without getting tongue tied

-picking something off the ground without grunting

Things I Will Miss

-Johnny's movements

-having an excuse to put my feet up

-having people comment on how cute I am when I walk/waddle

-not having to arrange for a babysitter

-being amazed at what the human body is capable of

-making my husband do everything for me:)

-the hiatus from a bad body image (I'm pregnant, no need to be skinny...)

I reserve the right to come back and edit this post at anytime, because I know there's some things that I am forgetting.

Until Then,

Big Momma

OMG I'm gonna be a mom.

Dear Johnny,

We are literally hours away from meeting face to face. I'm a little freaked out to be honest, but I just hope I have the ability to usher you into this world in a magical way. I can't believe that this time next week, I'll be changing your diaper!

This last month has been challenging to say the least, but you already have some crazy awesome accomplishments! We won the ugly holiday sweater contest at school. It was a normal red sweater that I decided needed some pizazz. Daddy was the one who suggested I put the HUGE bow right on my baby bump, and despite having a Christmas Cape attached to the back, I really think you were the winning factor! We both enjoyed the breakfast taco prize for first place.

The ultrasound tech also said you were growing leaps and bounds! They're estimating that you are over 10lbs right now, so be ready for mommy to hold that over your head for the rest of your life. My body will never be the same, but that's ok because I wasn't too fond of it to begin with. Maybe I'll like it better than I did before! After all, it brought me you.

I've been having to put away words like "can't" and "no". Poppa has been urging me to walk more and more, which is fine, except I have the equivalent of a 30lb bowling ball attached to my front, which makes walking more of a WIDE waddle. I also have nightmares about hitting a wall in the delivery room. Nonna and Daddy are going to be there cheering me on, so I'm sorry if their voices scare you. I still can't decide what to say or sing to you first. I feel like that is going to set the rest of your life in motion, so I want it to be right. Forgive me if it's not?

Now Jonathan, you are our first born. You will be the guinea pig unfortunately, but that doesn't mean you should listen to us any less. We have Neanie and Nonna, and Poppa making sure that we don't mess up. Aunt Laura will be there too, making sure that when you need a break from me or Dad. And even though Uncle Mike and Uncle Zack and Aunt Melinda are all the way in Missouri, we'll visit often and they will look out for your best interest too.

Little Boy, you are loved. From all sides and even in between. Everyone is holding their breath, and whenever you are ready, we'll be waiting. I'll be the one with the "I can't believe I just did that" look on my face. But you gotta believe...You are the best thing I've ever done.

See you soon...

Until Then,

Big Momma.