My body changed exponentially through the pregnancy and though I never thought bad about my body while pregnant, in postpartum I lost what little I loved about it. I began my new journey to love the new things. I never thought any of the changes were ugly, and I wear my tiger stripes proudly, but my ankles became the thing I liked the best, because they were anatomically the skinniest part of me. Under the stress of motherhood, and procrastination mixed with a healthy (HA!) dose of laziness, my body began growing again, but this time without the help of a belly buddy. When I stepped on the scale, the numbers it showed back up at me were what they had been at 40 weeks with a near 10 lbs baby in tow. This was unacceptable. I met with a nutritionist, and she was really nice despite the fact that I had a lot of rules for HER. Rules like: NEVER say to me "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels" She agreed and was appalled that anyone would try and take that approach with me. I lost a good 20 lbs following what she was telling me. I still have the rules, and would love to follow them, and maybe sometime soon I'll fall back into those habits, but I find it all a bit too much right now.
I unfortunately began missing my nutritionist appointments because of my work schedule. So I tried to go it alone. And failed. Miserably. Currently my weight stands at (Yes I'm about to get real with you....please be nice) 257. That is 7 lbs more than 40 weeks pregnant. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I can say that it's not fair to my son, who probably wants to hang around someone who is a bit more active, but I wont. I can say that it's not fair to me because so much of my self worth is tied up in how I feel about my body, but I wont. What I WILL say is that thinking about having a second kid in the body I'm in right now literally drains all the energy out of my bones. It's awful to think about.
But what's not awful to think about is how awesome of a big brother Johnny will be, and how our family would be more complete with a new addition. Hubby and I have began discussing number two, and get this: we've even said we would good with beginning the pregnancy later this year. GAH! I'm so excited! And terrified! And Nervous! So many lists are running through my head of what to get in place before, and what to do during, and how I want their birthday to go differently. But number one? My weight, and more so, my overall health.
Ladies, Gentlemen...I've joined a fitness program through my insurance that gives me access to a BUNCH of gyms. There's one right down the street and I've gone EVERY DAY since Monday since it's my spring break. I'm hoping to continue that practice when I go back to work on Monday. The picture is from my first day. It did get easier... but I still hate every single second of it. The thing I keep repeating in my head when I want to call it quits is the names we have picked out for our next one. I've begun a journey that will be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but Johnny's big brothership is on the line. And I would do anything for him and whoever else comes along.
I will hopefully be tracking the funnies and triumphs of my gym visits on here, hoping that someone else can say "I've been there" or laugh through their next trip on the treadmill.
Until Then,
Big Momma.
